Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize