the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
