Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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