The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
