last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
