New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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