If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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