We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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