I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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