Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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