This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
my poor anus
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
