I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
