I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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