I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
