I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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