Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
