K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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