In America we eat man semen.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
