I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
