It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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