The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
