shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We are all done wearing pants today
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
