I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
