I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She announced her abortion via fbk
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
