angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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