Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
