Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
