She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize