If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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