JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
