I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
