Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hippo gnu deer
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
