life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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