Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
