Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
