Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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