she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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