smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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