The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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