Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize