I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Hippo gnu deer
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize