i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
