have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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