Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
