when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
