We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize