this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
