Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
