3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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