You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
