don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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