Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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