why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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