Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
