Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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