You just made me feel so damn special
why didn't you poke me back
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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