You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I miss vodka workout Fridays
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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