i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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