I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
